A Rose by Any Other Name
by NettieC
Summary: Set a year after the death of Sarah Roberts, the pain is still so raw, especially for Mac. As everyone else seems to be moving on, Mac is stuck with the guilt. Just my little walk into the realms of fan fiction....Read and Review, please!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: I don't own any of it...if I did I would be off spending my fortunes...**

**This is an old story, just been freshened up for its appearance here!  
**

**Bud's Office**

**Friday 1523**

AJ Roberts came bounding into his daddy's office, nearly three and as cute as the dickens, he had inherited his parents" good nature and even temperament.

"Daddy, Unca Harm," he squealed, launching himself at the two men seated in front of the desk.

"Hello AJ," said Harm scooping up the little boy and hugging and kissing him before handing him onto his father.

"Hi there son," said Bud kissing his cheek. "I'm sorry Commander, I hadn't realised the time. AJ, where's mommy?"

AJ pointed towards the bullpen and Bud saw his wife stopped at her desk rearranging files.

"Sorry to cut this short, sir, but Harriet and I have a specialist appointment with AJ and we can't be late," apologised Bud.

"Specialist's appointment, what's wrong?" asked Harm concerned about his godson.

"Harriet's concerned that AJ's having hearing problems…" Bud began.

"And you're not concerned?" Harm asked, looking at the blonde toddler.

"Not really, sir. I don't think he is. He seems to respond fine to me." Bud took his son's hand.

"But Harriet thinks there's a problem?" asked Harm, looking towards her desk.

"Yeah, but I think it is more than that," Bud said quietly.

"What are you thinking?" Harm drew his attention back to his friend.

"I don't know exactly but it's Sarah's first anniversary on Sunday and Harriet has thrown herself into organising the service and all. I think she might be overcompensating, you know, feeling that she's neglecting AJ." Bud stared at his son, his only child.

"Well, I guess there's no harm in checking it out just to be on the safe side," said Harm.

"I guess not."

"Unca Harm come to tea?" AJ asked. He loved it when Harm and Mac came over.

"Oh, not tonight kiddo," Harm said, he had no plans but thought it might be too much on Harriet. "What are your plans for tomorrow, Bud?"

"Errands, cleaning the apartment, that sort of stuff," Bud said, picking up his file.

"Well, how about I take this one off your hands for the day. I can pick him up about nine and bring him back whenever suits. It'll give you two a chance to do what you have to do." Harm offered.

"That's very generous of you, sir. I'd have to check with Harriet though. Are you sure you could manage?" Bud was appreciative of the offer; just a little sceptical Harm could manage alone.

"Yeah, I'll see if Mac's free and we can share him," Harm said, smiling broadly.

"I'll speak to Harriet and call you later."

AJ picked up the family photo on Bud's desk. It had been taken fourteen months previous at Bud's birthday. AJ pointed to the blonde boy in front of him.

"AJ!" he said, recognising himself.

"That's right, it is you," said Bud smiling.

"Daddy!" AJ pointed to Bud in the photo.

"Yes it is daddy, well done, son."

AJ continued to look at the picture but made no further comment.

"Who's this AJ?" asked Bud pointing at Harriet. AJ didn't answer.

"AJ, who's this?" Harm asked but AJ shook his head.

"It's mommy, AJ," Bud prompted.

"No, not mommy," replied AJ.

"Why isn't it mommy?" asked Bud concerned, AJ had been very good at identifying familiar people in photos.

"Pink!" was AJ's only comment.

Bud looked up to find his wife standing in the doorway, tears in her eyes. "It's alright Sweetie, it's an old photo."

Harriet shook her head; her own son didn't recognise her.

**Roberts Residence**

**Saturday 0856**

Harm knocked on the Roberts' door and heard AJ shriek in delight. Then he heard Bud yell, "It won't be Uncle Harm, AJ, he'll be late." He opened the door before apologising profusely. "Oh sorry, sir, I just didn't expect you on time."

"And he wouldn't have been if I hadn't picked him up," said Mac stepping out from behind Harm.

"Unca Harm, Aunty Mac," AJ squealed.

"Good morning, AJ, ready for a big day?" asked Harm picking up the excited little boy.

"Yeah!" replied AJ, hugging Harm tightly.

"Where's Harriet?" asked Mac, stepping into the apartment.

"In the bedroom," replied Bud, looking towards the closed door.

"How's she doing?" Harm asked, lowering his voice.

"Happy that AJ doesn't have a hearing problem. Still upset he didn't recognise her. She did want to talk to you when you got here, sir." Bud said.

"What about?" A mild dose of anxiety kicked in.

"She wouldn't say," said Bud. Do you mind going in?"

Harm knocked on the bedroom door with some trepidation. These days he found it hard to know just what to say to Harriet.

"Harriet, it's me, Harm," he called.

"Come on in, sir," she said. He found her seated on the edge of her bed.

"Bud said you wanted to talk to me," Harm said, quickly scanning the room.

"Yes, I did. Have a seat, sir," she said patting the bed beside her. Harm sat.

"How are you doing, Harriet?" he asked taking her hand.

"Oh, it's tough but I'm doing okay, sir," Harriet replied, looking at the floor.

"Anything I can do to help?" Harm asked, squeezing her hand.

"Yes there is, sir," she said quietly, looking directly at him. Quietly she made her request and gave Harm time to contemplate his answer. "Look, sir, you don't have to say anything until tomorrow. I just think it's really important."

**Harm's Apartment**

**1635**

Harm, Mac and AJ had spent a wonderful day at the zoo. AJ had loved everything about it, especially their picnic lunch. When the sky turned dark and rain threatened they retreated to Harm's apartment. AJ fell asleep five minutes before they arrived and Harm carried him upstairs, putting him down on his bed, bending down to kiss his head before he left.

"Cute," said Mac quietly from the doorway.

"Why thank you, Mac," Harm replied, a wide smile on his face.

"I meant AJ, not you," Mac said, although it could have been applied either way.

"I know you did," Harm smiled, "but a guy can hope."


	2. Chapter 2

**Roberts Residence**

**1700**

The day had passed at a rapid rate and before Harriet and Bud had a chance to stop and collect their thoughts it was 1700.

"I guess I should ring the Commander and make arrangements for them to bring AJ home," said Bud quietly.

"Um, not yet," replied Harriet. "I think we need to talk."

Bud sat down next to his wife and took her hand. There were so many things they needed to talk about and had done so for a long time. Baby Sarah's life and death had a huge impact on their lives and yet after the initial few weeks her name had barely been mentioned.

"Bud, it's so hard to believe that our little girl would be one tomorrow," Harriet began.

Bud shook his head he had only thought of it in the negative, one year since her death. "I think she would have been a gorgeous little girl," he said. "She would have beautiful blonde hair that curled around her face and she'd have an amazing smile, just like her mommy's."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd remember my smile, it has been a long time since I felt like smiling."

"I have a vague memory of it," said Bud quietly.

"AJ doesn't though, does he?" Tears pooled in her blue eyes.

"AJ knows who you are, Harriet. It was just that photo." Bud tried to explain.

"No, it was more than that, Bud. When you were out this afternoon I pulled out some albums and I'm not surprised. In those taken since Sarah, I look different. I'm mostly in uniform or in dark, sombre colours; I don't think I've smiled in any one of them. It's no wonder AJ couldn't recognise me happy and smiling and in pink in that photo," Her tears spilt over and trickled down her cheeks.

"I guess you're right, Sweetie. I suppose I never thought of it from his perspective," Bud replied, reaching across to brush away her tears.

"Well, all that changes as of today." She paused and took a deep breath. "As much as I miss our beautiful, little girl, she's gone but our beautiful, little boy is still here and deserves a proper mommy and you deserve a proper wife," Harriet said, smiling shyly.

"Harriet, you have always been a good mother to AJ and he loves you so much as do I," he kissed her cheek.

"And I love you too, Bud, but it's been so long since we've … been intimate," she said quietly.

"I've been waiting for you," Bud said, taking his wife's hand.

"I thought you didn't love me anymore." Harriet said, looking down at their clasped hands.

"Harriet!" He drew her face up to him. "How could you ever think that? I love you more today than the day I married you."

"I think you need to show me," Harriet whispered.

"Maybe I'll ring the Commander and see if he can have AJ for the night."

"Good idea."

**Harm's Apartment**

**1825**

Mac and AJ were curled up on the sofa reading a book when the phone rang. Harm took the call in his bedroom before rejoining them.

"Got any plans for tonight, Mac?" asked Harm, a grin on his face.

"What did you have in mind?" Mac asked cautiously.

"A slumber party!" He announced coming across to the sofa.

"Really?"

"That was Bud he wanted to know if AJ could sleepover. I said yes but I thought if you could stay too we could make it a slumber party, isn't that right, AJ?" he tussled the toddler's hair. AJ just laughed.

"But I don't have any pyjamas to wear," Mac replied.

"I don't have a problem with that," Harm winked at her. "So?"

"I'll stay," she began, "but we'll have to stop by my place in the morning before the service."

Harm picked up AJ from the sofa. "So, little man, what are we going to have for dinner?"

"Burger," said AJ.

"Burger? Is that what he said, Mac?" Harm asked.

"Sounded like it to me." Mac smiled.

Harm shook his head. "We've had him less than ten hours and you've already corrupted him."

"Imagine what I can manage by morning," Mac laughed.

**Roberts Residence**

**1938**

"Are you nearly ready, Bud?" Harriet asked looking at the wall clock. They were about to go out to dinner, their first night out together in more than twelve months. Harriet was still apprehensive about going but she had vowed that life was for living and that her baby girl would not begrudge her doing so.

"I'll be right there," Bud called out.

Twenty minutes later, seated at a corner booth at the local Chinese restaurant, Bud kissed his wife's hand. "I love you Harriet," he whispered.

"I love you too, Bud," she kissed his cheek.

**Harm's Apartment**

**2145**

It took a wrestling match for Harm and Mac to get AJ into bed and stay there. In the end they had climbed into the bed, one each side, and hugged him. Mac told him the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears and Harm sang Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and even though he was a very tired little boy, AJ refused to give into the Sandman.

Mac leant down and kissed his forehead. "It's time to go to sleep, AJ," she whispered. He giggled back at her. "AJ, tomorrow's a big day, remember?"

"Sarah's day," said AJ, sleepily.

"That's right," said Harm, "it's Sarah's day."

"Sarah died," AJ said without sorrow, he was too young to know the grief which accompanied death.

"I know she did, kiddo," Harm whispered. "Your sister was a beautiful little girl and your mommy and daddy loved her very much."

"Mommy's sad." AJ announced.

"Yes she is but she'll be happy soon, you'll see." Harm said, kissing the child's forehead.

"Are you sure?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, she asked me to do something for her tomorrow. I think it's a sign that she's moving on." Harm said, a small smile on his face.

"That's good," Mac said quietly.

"Sarah's my sister," said AJ sleepily.

"Yes she was," Harm replied. "Sarah was a very special little girl."

"Daddy says she's angel." AJ yawned again.

"A beautiful angel, who'll always watch over you," Harm said kissing AJ's forehead again as his eyes began to flutter. "I think he's nearly asleep," he said looking up at Mac. Mac wiped away the tears she hoped Harm hadn't seen and quietly got out of the bed.

"Mac? What's wrong? Where are you going?" Harm whispered.

"Nothing, I'm just getting some water," she lied and made her way to the kitchen.

She was standing in the darkened apartment, staring out the kitchen window into the blackness of the night when Harm came out to her ten minutes later.

"I thought you had fallen down the sink you were gone so long," said Harm quietly.

"Sorry, I got distracted," she said brushing away the tears on her cheeks. "AJ asleep?" she asked without turning around.

"Yes he is," Harm replied coming over to her.

"Are you sure? I can go in…" Mac turned to him but kept her head low.

"Mac, AJ's fine, he's asleep. What's going on with you?" He lifted her head up.

"Nothing," she said, clearly lying.

"Try again."

"I'm fine, really I am."

"Mac, you are standing in a dark apartment crying. That's not being fine. Now, talk to me," he said putting his hands on her shoulders and bringing her closer to him.

"Harm, I…I…" she shook her head; she didn't know what she was. All she knew was that anytime Baby Sarah was mentioned she felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow and guilt.

"You're what?" he stroked her hair.

She shook her head again and despite every desire not too she buried her head in his chest and sobbed quietly.

Harm did the only thing he could do in this situation and held her close. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. He spoke quietly to her but it was in vain as she could only hear the sound of her own heart breaking.

"Mac," he whispered, raising her face. "What's this about?"

Mac couldn't answer and before he could press for further information AJ called out and the moment passed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Harm's Apartment  
Sunday  
0812**

Harm awoke early and smiled to find AJ and Mac curled up together still sound asleep. The picture was beautiful, he knew it could only be improved if it had been a permanent arrangement and AJ was theirs. He leant down and kissed them both, they were so adorable he couldn't resist.

"Hi Harm," Mac mumbled. "Is it time to get up?"

"No, not yet, AJ's still asleep," he whispered, so as not to disturb the child

"Hummm," Mac yawned.

"How are you doing this morning, Mac?" Harm asked, his eyes firmly focused on her face.

"I'm fine, why?" she asked, finally opening her eyes and looking confused.

"Why? You were far from it last nigh," he replied, and although quiet his voice had a clear edge to it.

"I'm sorry about that, it all gets a bit much at times," Mac apologised, with a small smile.

"What does?" he asked, desperate to know what was eating at her.

"The guilt," Mac replied before she could stop herself.

"The guilt about what?" asked Harm sitting up and facing her.

AJ woke up, yawned and stretched and curtailed further conversation.

"Good morning AJ," said Mac tickling his tummy. AJ giggled in response.

"Breakfast time," said Harm moving from the bed. "What can I get you both?"

Mac leant down to AJ and they exchanged loud whispers before AJ sat up and announced they would like bacon, eggs, pancakes and maple syrup.

"I don't have bacon or maple syrup, sorry folks," Harm said, smiling.

Mac whispered again to AJ.

"IHOP," he announced.

"IHOP? You want to have breakfast at IHOP?" Harm asked.

"Yes," Mac and AJ answered in unison.

"But I can make you breakfast here. Cereal, toast, scrambled eggs."

"IHOP! IHOP! IHOP!" they chanted, jumping up and down on the bed.

"Okay, okay," Harm conceded. "IHOP it is." He shook his head, he knew when he was outnumbered.

**Mac's Apartment  
1102**

Breakfast had been a success and AJ was all smiles and giggles throughout. However, Harm knew Mac wasn't herself. She was making every effort for AJ's sake but every now and then he caught her drifting off into the place she couldn't explain and tears would well in her eyes. He desperately wanted to know about the guilt she felt.

AJ was watching cartoons and Mac was in the shower when there was a knock at the door. Harm answered it.

"Is this Sarah MacKenzie's apartment?" asked a man Harm didn't recognise.

"It is," replied Harm, cautiously, taking in the man in front of him.

"Oh hi AJ," said the man, seeing AJ on the sofa.

"Hi Tim," AJ said returning his attention to the TV.

"Would you be Mr MacKenzie?" asked the man.

Harm considered his response. The man before him knew AJ and knew of Mac. Warning signs were flashing.

"I would be," he answered, hoping one day to would be true.

"Oh, I'm so glad," replied the man. "I was really concerned about coming here but I know I needed to come but I didn't really know what I'd do when I actually got here but I'm glad you're here, Mr MacKenzie. Really glad!" he spoke rapidly.

"Can I ask who you are?" Harm asked, totally confused.

"I should have said, I'm sorry, my name is Tim Hudson." Tim said, offering his hand.

"And what can we do for you, Mr Hudson?" Harm asked, shaking hands.

"It's more what I can do for you, I think." Tim's face took on the same look he'd seen on Mac's.

"And what is that?" Harm asked nervously.

"Can we talk out here, away from AJ?" Tim gestured to the hallway.

Harm turned to AJ. "Uncle Harm is just out in the hallway, AJ."

"Now, Mr Hudson, I must ask how you know AJ?" asked Harm.

"From the cemetery. My son, Ben, is buried across from Sarah Roberts. I've seen him there with his parents lots of times. We chat and pick flowers, all that sort of stuff." Tim said, sorrow in his eyes.

"I'm sorry to hear you lost your son but what does that have to do Sarah?" Harm asked, his mind swirling.

"Mr MacKenzie, my little boy died three years ago as a result of an accident and my wife was devastated, we both were. She was driving at the time of the crash and never forgave herself. I was so caught up in my own grief that I didn't see what the guilt was doing to her." Tim explained, tears pooling in his once hazel eyes.

"What did it do to her?" Harm asked, the word guilt stabbing at him like a knife..

"A year to the day we lost Ben, my wife took her own life. She couldn't get past it and I didn't see it coming." He shook his head, trying to move past the images the words created.

"I'm so very sorry Mr Hudson, but again, I must ask what does that have to do with us?" Harm had sympathy for the man, but he couldn't connect the dots back to Mac.

"Last week I saw Mrs MacKenzie at Sarah's grave…" he began.

"How did you know it was her?" Harm asked surprised.

"She visits quite often. At first it was in the evenings but now it's mostly in the mornings." Tim said, his eyes clearing.

"Oh," replied Harm, he hadn't realised.

"And she dropped her handbag, she picked most of the things up but when she left I found these," he said producing a damaged envelope and a paid electricity bill. "I was going to keep them until I saw her again but she didn't come yesterday like I expected. Then I noticed today was Sarah's first anniversary and I had to get to her...today." His eyes began to water.

"Why?" asked Harm, his heart moving towards his mouth.

"I read her letter and, I'll admit it, I cried. She expresses some pretty strong feelings and after my wife doing what she did on Ben's first anniversary I didn't want your wife doing the same," Tim explained in a whisper.

"What makes you think she would?" Harm asked, trying to control the fear welling up from his stomach.

"Guilt, it's eating her up." Tim said and handed Harm the papers. "Please make sure your wife gets some help, Mr MacKenzie, I couldn't save my wife, I pray you can save yours." With that he left.

Harm moved back into the apartment and saw Mac was about ready to go.

"What were you doing, Harm?" she asked.

"Salesman," replied Harm, he wanted to read the letter before he said anything.

"Tim," said AJ."

"Who's Tim?" asked Mac.

"Oh, just the cartoon character," Harm lied turning the TV off.

**Greendale Cemetery  
1300**

Harriet had planned a small service at Sarah's graveside. A minister stood at the side of the grave and a small number of family and friends stood around waiting as Harm, Mac and AJ approached.

"Hello Honey," Harriet said stretching out her arms to her little boy. AJ stopped and looked at his mother, she looked different. Her face was different, her clothes were different and although there was something familiar about her he felt uncomfortable and sort refuge behind Harm's legs. Bud came around behind him and picked him up.

"Hi daddy," AJ smiled.

Bud carried him over to Harriet and handed him to her. AJ seemed unsure at first but quickly settled down.

The minister offered prayers and flowers were laid on the grave. Bud offered some words of thanks for the prayers, love and care they had received in the last twelve months. Towards the end of the service Harriet moved next to Harm.

"Do you have an answer for me?" she whispered.

Harm just smiled. Harriet nodded to Bud and he asked Harm to step forward.

"My beautiful wife wanted this song to be sung here as a sign that although we will always love Sarah, she is happy and in a beautiful place. We will all be reunited one day, but for now she's watching over us and protecting us. Commander."

His first instinct had been to say no, but this song meant so much to Bud and Harriet he couldn't refuse. Harm took a step closer to the grave, closed his eyes and began to sing;

_Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?  
Would you feel the same if I saw you in heaven?  
I must be strong and carry on 'cause I know I don't belong here in heaven..._

_Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?  
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?  
I'll find my way through night and day 'cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven..._

_Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees  
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please  
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven..._

_Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?  
Would you feel the same if I saw you in heaven?  
I must be strong and carry on 'cause I know I don't belong here in heaven..._

Xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Author's Notes: Tears In Heaven / Eric Clapton

**Tears in Heaven** is a ballad written and performed by Eric Clapton about the pain he felt following the 1991 death of his four-year-old son, Connor, who fell from a 53rd-story window in his mother's New York City condominium. By all accounts, the death was simply a tragic accident, and Clapton was distraught for months afterwards. He stopped performing it in 2004 after he felt he had moved past the pain and no longer wanted to revisit it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for all your wonderful reviews and encouragement…much appreciated.**

**This is a long chapter and the next one (the final one) is short. I couldn't split it any other way.**

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox **

**Roberts Residence  
1545**

AJ had warmed to his mother's new image. He had taken the colour of her clothes and the smile on her face into account but it wasn't until she put him down for a nap and sang 'Rock-a-bye Baby' he knew who she truly was. It had been his favourite lullaby but Harriet hadn't sung it since the day Sarah died.

"Love you mommy," were AJ's last words as he drifted off to sleep.

The afternoon tea was informal and when Mac was busy chatting to the Admiral, Harm slipped into Bud and Harriet's bedroom and read the letter. As he did, tears fell unrestrained down onto the paper he held. He was so engrossed in the letter he didn't hear Bud come in.

"Sir, sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here," Bud apologised.

"No, I'm sorry Bud, I should have asked," Harm said wiping away his tears.

"Anything I can do?" Bud asked, gesturing towards the paper in Harm's hand.

Harm knew it was a private and intimate communication between Mac and her namesake but he also had to know whether there was any truth in it.

"This stays between us, Bud, alright?" Harm said, handing over the letter.

"Yes sir," replied Bud before he began reading it. He unfolded the page and read the words addressed to his daughter. Tears pooled in his eyes but none fell.

"I never knew, sir," he said quietly as he folded the paper and handed it back.

"Neither did I, Bud. I have to ask though, is Mac right in any of what she has said? Should she feel guilty?"

"No sir, not at all. I'll tell her myself if that'll help or Harriet can." Bud headed towards the door.

"No, Bud, I'll do it." Harm stood and departed.

**Harm's Apartment  
1856**

On the trip back from the Roberts, Harm had been trying to figure out a way to broach the subject with Mac and hadn't been successful. When she pulled up out the front of his apartment he knew his time was up.

"Come on up, Mac," he said getting out of her car.

"No, I won't, thanks anyway. There's stuff I need to do at home."

Harm made his way around to her door and opened it. "It wasn't a question, Mac."

"Harm, I just said…" Mac watched him as he reached in and turned off the ignition before removing the keys.

"Come on up."

With no option, Mac followed him up to his apartment and refused his offer of a drink.

"Harm, I really need to go," she said, unsure as to what he was up to.

"I need you to talk to me." Harm said, locking the door behind him.

"About what?" Mac asked flatly.

"About this," he said producing the letter from his jacket pocket.

"What is it?" asked Mac, stepping closer, not recognising the tattered envelope.

"It's a letter," Harm replied quietly.

"From whom?" Mac's confusion danced across her face.

"From you," Harm replied quietly.

"When did I write you a letter?" Mac asked coming closer still.

Harm handed her the letter and the moment Mac unfolded the page she knew what it was.

"How…How did you get this?" Mac stammered, recoiling.

"It's not important," Harm answered closing the gap between them again.

"It is so. How did you get it? Did you read it? Did you?" Mac was panicked.

"I got it from Tim Hudson who called at your apartment this morning; he was very worried about you." Harm informed her, the look of panic on her face turned to fear.

"There's nothing to worry about," she lied.

"I think there is, Mac. That is a very worrying letter." Mac tried to push the letter into her pocket but Harm grabbed it back.

"We're going to talk about it," he said.

"No, we're not. I'm outta here!" Mac yelled.

"You're not going anywhere," Harm said calmly, putting her keys into his pocket.

"You can't make me stay," she yelled again.

"I'm not making you stay, you are free to go," Harm said.

"Good!" Mac retorted, her voice not quite back to its normal volume.

"After we talk." Harm sat down on the floor and leant against the door.

"I've nothing to say." Mac walked away and sought refuge in the only other room in his apartment, his bedroom. She lay on his bed and cried into his pillow. Harm gave her some time before going in and sitting down in front of her. He tenderly stroked her hair.

"Mac," he started but she turned away from him. Not dissuaded he moved across to the other side of the bed and lay beside her. Mac went to move again but he caught her and held her close to him. "Not this time, Mac. We're going to deal with this."

"There's nothing to deal with," Mac said, although it was muffled by his shirt.

"You don't think?" Harm held her tightly with one arm while holding the letter with the other. "Let me read it to you."

"No! Don't! Please…" she begged, grabbing at his arm.

But Harm began anyway:

_Darling Baby Sarah_,

_I can't believe it's nearly a year since you came into our lives. I expected you to be around forever but you were just here on a brief visit. You may not be here in body but you have never really left, I hold you in my heart, just as your parents do._

_There are so many things I want to say to you, so many, many things. But it all comes down to this; Sarah Roberts, when your mom and dad asked about naming you, their little girl, after me I was touched. I love and respect your parents so much and for them to bestow this on me was a huge honour. It would mean I always had a part in your life, in your family's life, and as I have no family of my own it meant more than you could possibly imagine._

_When you passed by so quickly I felt such sorrow and regret for all the 'what might have been's'. Your beautiful brother, AJ, is my godson and I love him dearly, just as I would have loved you, I had imagined us spending holidays together, days out to the zoo, sleepovers. All those special moments, the things I had missed out on as a child, I was hoping to share with you and AJ._

_As this year passes I find myself thinking of you more and more often. They say time heals all wounds but I think in this case it's tearing them wide open. I can't help but feel this is all my fault. I try to rationalise it but I can't. It's my fault you're dead and no one seems to understand._

_I know you are probably wondering how this is so. It's quite simple really. Your parents named you after me. While the name Sarah is a nice one and there are lots of wonderful Sarah's around, your parents named you after me – Sarah MacKenzie. My life has been one whole negative. My childhood was bad, my adolescence worse. The men in my life have …I wont go there but they haven't exactly been a positive in my life. Now I'm in my 30's, no family, no friends, nothing. I'm … nothing!_

_I feel so unbelievably guilty, so absolutely terrible inside. If your parents had named you anything else, after anyone else, then this fate wouldn't have befallen you. But they named you after me and you suffered paid the price. God, I'm sorry! Your parents are too wonderful to say anything but I 'm sure they regret their choice. I wouldn't be surprised if they blamed or hated me because of it but it wouldn't come close to how much I blame and hate myself._

_Little one, I am so very, very sorry,  
I will love you always  
Sarah MacKenzie xoxo_

Harm dropped the letter to the bed and reached down to wipe away Mac's tears.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" he said quietly.

"And said what?" Mac sniffled.

"And said exactly what you said to the baby." He held onto her with both arms, scared she would run.

"You wouldn't have understood." Mac shook her head, her tears splashing onto his shirt.

"Maybe not," he said, kissing her head, "but I could have helped you."

"How?" Mac finally looked up, surprised to find his deep blue eyes swimming in pools of his own tears.

"I could have held you and I could have wiped away your tears," he whispered as he brushed hers from her cheeks with his thumb. "And I could have told you how much Bud and Harriet love you and why they wanted to name their little girl after such an amazing person. I could have reminded you about all the good things you have done with your life and how that baby was so lucky to be named after you," Harm said tenderly.

"She never stood a chance being named after me. She got all the …the…" Mac started.

"She got all the chances in the world," Harm finished. "Mac, Sarah's death was a tragedy but it would have happened if she was named Mary or Sally or Betty. That little girl was never destined to stay and nothing about you or your life or your name had any bearing on it. None! Do you understand that?"

Mac nodded weakly, she knew what Harm was saying was right and the rational side of her agreed, but in the last year all sense of reason seemed to have evaporated.

"Was that a nod I saw?" Harm asked, a tiny relieved smile on his lips.

Mac nodded again. "But Bud and Harriet…"

"Bud and Harriet do not hate you, they do not blame you. they love you."

"But…"

"But nothing." He kissed her head again.

Harm pulled Mac closer and she rested her head on his chest, her arm lay upon his shoulder. "Mac, babies come into this world everyday and sadly some leave it just as soon. That's just the way things are and it's something we have to accept. When we have our baby…"

"Our baby?" Mac echoed.

Harm continued. "Yes, our baby! Sarah MacKenzie, we have a baby deal which has two years left to run, or did you forget?"

"No, I didn't forget, it's just that…" Mac said quietly.

"There are no promises with any baby, they come and they grow or they come and they go. Either way they are loved and adored. It has nothing to do with their name." He ran his hand slowly up and down her arm, providing as much comfort to himself as it did to Mac.

Mac drew a deep breath and wiped her eyes. "How did you get to be such an authority on the matter?"

"My name is Harmon Rabb. I was named after an amazing man but one I scarcely remember. I tried so hard to be like him, to make up for the years he lost, until one day a friend pointed out to me that although I was Harmon Rabb, I had my own life to live and my own dreams to fulfil. She said that even though we shared a name, I was my father's son but not my father and the sooner I began to live accordingly life would be much better."

"Sounds like a smart friend," Mac said, thinking of Jordan.

"Yes, she's a very smart friend," Harm replied, ever grateful for the advice.

"Anyone I know?" Mac asked sitting up to look at him.

"I think so...it was you, Sarah…Remember?" He said staring into her eyes.

"Oh yeah."

x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Final chapter to come…it won't be until next week as I'll be away for a few days.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you for all your wonderful reviews and encouragement…much appreciated.**

**Monday 0628**

Mac woke up still wrapped in Harm's arms and surprised at just how long she had slept for. She looked up and smiled at him before the reality of the time hit her.

"Oh God, the time, we're going to be late. The Admiral…" She tried to clamber out of bed but he held onto her.

"The Admiral is expecting us in at noon. Relax," Harm said calmly, pulling her back to him.

"Noon? Why noon?" Mac asked confused. It was Monday, it was a work day, they were supposed to be there.

"Bud rang last night after you were asleep and we had a chat about things, he rang the Admiral, the Admiral rang here and he has given us the morning to sort things out."

"Oh," said Mac lying back down.

"Oh indeed, so just take a deep breath and relax." He released one hand and smoothed her hair down and took a moment to caress her cheek.

"Harm, thank you," Mac whispered, cuddling back into him.

"For what?" he asked.

Mac looked up and smiled at him. "For everything; for making me stay, for talking to me, for everything."

"You are more than welcome," he said kissing her forehead. "Mac, I am always here for you, never forget that."

"I won't," Mac said and before long she drifted off to sleep again and Harm was content to just hold her and imagine how things would be if the circumstances had been different.

**0836**

Harm had fallen asleep when Mac finally awoke; she looked up and smiled at the beautiful face beside her.

"Harm," she whispered, not knowing if she wanted him to wake or not. "Harm?" His eyes fluttered open. "Sorry to wake you but I need to go home and you still have my keys."

"They're out on the coffee table," he said, stretching. "Mac, you know I would have never forced you to stay. It's just that…"

"I know, you were just looking out for me and I appreciate it. But now I have to go." She leant over and kissed his cheek.

"We still have plenty of time," Harm said, turning over to look at the clock.

"No we don't. I want to stop by the cemetery on my way home and clarify a few things with Baby Sarah," Mac said quietly.

"Want some company?" Harm asked, swinging his legs out from under the covers.

"I thought you'd never ask."

**Greendale Cemetery**

**0941**

Mac parked just south of the cemetery gates and got out of her car quickly. Harm took her hand as they walked to the entrance but Mac broke away and stopped at the flower stall to buy a single pink rose. She held onto the flower with one hand and took hold of Harm's hand again with the other, glad he was with her.

Slowly they made their way over to the little grave in the children's section. They chatted quietly until Sarah's gravestone was before them. Harm took Mac in his arms and hugged her tightly. He then kissed her cheek and whispered, "I'll give you two some time alone," before walking away.

Mac knelt down beside the grave and placed the single pink rose on top of it.

"Baby Sarah," she began quietly, "they say a rose by any other name smells as sweet and as your Uncle Harm explained to me last night this may all have happened even if you weren't named after me. I guess I was trying to find the answers as to why someone as beautiful as you couldn't stay but I didn't need to search, the answer was there all along. You were too beautiful, you came to say hello and then left to watch over us, that's what I believe now anyhow."

Harm watched from a distance as Mac spoke to Sarah Roberts, he wanted to be with her but knew she needed this time for herself.

"Mr MacKenzie," the voice startled him.

"Oh Mr Hudson, good morning," Harm replied seeing his visitor.

"How is Mrs MacKenzie today?" Tim asked, his voice full of concern.

"She's doing well, thanks to you. We had a long talk about the letter and sorted a few things out." Harm patted the man on the shoulder warmly.

"I'm glad to hear it," said Tim turning to arrange the flowers on his son's grave.

"So, this is Ben," Harm said bending down and gently caressing the flowers.

"This is Ben," repeated the boy's father proudly.

"Well Ben, you have a wonderful dad." Tim blushed. "I mean it, Mr Hudson, you went out of your way to help Sarah and I really appreciate it."

"Your wife's a beautiful woman; you are a very lucky man." Tim said, relieved history hadn't repeated.

Harm looked up and saw Mac making her way back to him. "I am very lucky," he agreed.

"Hi Tim," said Mac putting her arms around Harm. "Hi Ben. Tim, I believe you are the one who found my letter."

"Yes ma'am I did." He eyed her sheepishly before gazing at the ground.

"Thank you for looking out for me," she said, as she moved forward and kissed his cheek. "I really appreciate it."

"You're more than welcome. Now, if you'll both excuse me I need to go and visit my wife." Tim said, running his hand across his son's headstone.

"Certainly," said Harm. "And thanks again."

"Just to see you two together, that's thanks enough. Bye for now Mr and Mrs MacKenzie." He walked off and Harm felt Mac's arms surround him once again.

"Mr and Mrs MacKenzie?" Mac asked as soon as Tim was out of earshot.

"Ah, yes, well, you see…" Harm's cheeks flushed slightly.

"He came looking for me and you were unsure of his intentions, so you told him you were my husband?" Mac could read him like a book.

"Well, sort of. Do you mind?" Harm asked, looking down into her deep brown eyes which seemed to have regained some of the sparkle it had lost in the last year.

Mac smiled and kissed his cheek. In all the scenarios she had imagined she had always been Sarah MacKenzie – Rabb or Sarah Rabb. Not once had she thought of him being Harm MacKenzie, the thought alone made her smile.

"Do I take that as a no?" Harm asked hopefully.

Mac gently kissed his lips. "A rose by any other name…"


End file.
